Infinata Death Ray Sketch

G-News Presenter: And now, in a special feature in Good News, we have…we have…actually ***directed off-screen*** …what do we have now?

Off-Screen Dude: Dunno, check the script.

G-News Presenter: Hmm…***sound of ruffling papers***…fascist plot to unleash horde of pigeons upon London, Rolf Harris in zoophilia scandal, Jim Davison is a loony racist bastard…errrmmm…it’s here somewhere.

Off-Screen Dude: Ah, here we go, muddled up the reels, sorry.

G-News Presenter: Ah yes! Thank you, and now, in a special feature in Good News, we bring you Infinata, the Supreme Lord of Dementia V, in an exclusive warts n’ all interview. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Lord Infinata.

***applause***

***BANG***

G-News Presenter: ***coughs*** Oh dear, why can’t you take the VIP lift like everyone else? ***splutters***

Infinata: The Lord of Dementia V does not use inferior human technology.

G-News Presenter: Very well, Lord Infinata…

Infinata: You will call me “Master”

G-News Presenter: All right, Master, tell us a bit about yourself.

Infinata: I am Infinata, Tyrant of Dementia V, Supreme Master of the Armies of Darkness, Lord of Anti-Matter.

G-News Presenter: Yes, that’s all well and good, but…

Infinata: I have not finished yet, underling, your feeble planet disgusts me, you have humiliated me, paraded me and exploited me. This I do not take kindly to. I would destroy your pitiful planet with a mere hand gesture if I saw it fit however…I am giving you one last chance to redeem yourself. You must bring me the head of the one named Gaviscon.

G-News Presenter: Yes…well, that may be a bit more difficult than you’d realise.

Script Editor: Er…excuse me…what’s going on…what are you doing?

G-News Presenter: What? What am I doing? I’m saving the world, that’s what I’m doing.

Script Editor: I’m sorry, you can’t do that.

G-News Presenter: You what?

Script Editor: I’m sorry, but where in the script does it say you can save the world, it simply isn’t realistic, not to mention it is in quite poor taste.

G-News Presenter: Forget the script…***Whispers***. He’s going to destroy the world unless we bring him the head of Gaviscon. I think he thinks Gaviscon is an actual person. He’s rather annoyed.

Script Editor: But it’s quite clearly labelled here, you’re to direct the question towards his broken relationship, and which point he will brake down and admit he still loves Susan Foreman, despite the fact that her grandfather will never accept it. It’s supposed to be an extreme emotional outreach.

Infinata: I tire of your bickering…must I destroy you all?

Script Editor: Now look here Infinata, I appreciate this is your first time in a chat show, so you may not appreciate how things work, but there are a few simple rules you…must…follow…

G-News Presenter: Oh God…

Infinata: ENOUGH, I will be party to this circus no more. I have given you a chance to save your hides, but it your arrogance you have spat on me. You will pay dearly for your lack of vision…very dearly… Fire the death ray ….mwahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

***Infinata disappears in a whiff of smoke***

Script Editor: Well, that’s just killed our ratings…

G-News Presenter: Ladies and Gentleman, this is Good News with a breaking news report, due to a series of unfortunate events, involving advertising companies, painkillers and moronic script editors. The Supreme Lord Infinata has decided to make an example of us by destroying the Planet Earth with a titanic anti-matter death ray. There is no need to panic…there is…absolutely…no need to panic.

Script Editor: I need a job with ITV.

***KABOOM***

***planet explodes***

***roll end credits***